Road Apples
by cumberland river relic
Summary: Wayne Rigsby and a pony. What could go wrong?


Author's notes:

Thank you to great writers and friends _**make-mine-a-kiaora**_and _**Sue Shay**_ for their help and encouragement! In particular, I appreciate _**make-mine-a-kiaora**_ for helping to round off the rough edges of this story.

Husband and wife Wayne Rigsby and Grace Van Pelt help their friend and former boss Teresa Lisbon move out of her house. Grace comes across a keepsake of Teresa's that conjures up bad memories for Wayne from the events during episode 1x20, "Red Sauce." Now the real story at last comes to light…

* * *

"Oh, Wayne! Oh, Wayne!"

Taking a break from packing Teresa Lisbon's kitchen appliances into a too-small box, Wayne Rigsby heard his wife Grace call out to him.

"What's up, Grace?"

Grace walked into Teresa's living room holding an oversized bow in her hands.

"Remember this?"

"Ughhhhhhh." Wayne closed his eyes while he tried without success to blot out the memory of one of the worst days of his life at CBI. Knocked unconscious by a prison escapee? No. Shot at by a fleeing felon? No. Having to pretend to be an alumnus at a high school reunion? No, something far worse…

* * *

_Several years ago…_

Wayne remembered the hazing he had received as a rookie arson investigator, and he thought of the less-intense hazing he had endured when he started CBI. But nothing compared to the humiliation he was suffering now, and all of it was thanks to Patrick Jane wanting to please Teresa Lisbon.

_If the pony was so damned important to you, Jane, why couldn't you babysit it?_

Here he was on the ground floor of the CBI building, holding the reins of a creature that had no business being within twenty miles of the place.

"Rigsby, you're gonna have to take the pony and hide it in the janitor's closet. Lisbon's walking back into the building."

"Jane, how am I supposed to get the pony into a closet?"

"Look, you're a smart, capable young agent. You'll figure out something."

With that, Patrick Jane turned away from him and the animal to sidle up beside Teresa Lisbon. Rigsby saw a furious gesture from Jane's left hand for him to get moving with pony. From the other side of a cubicle partition, he heard Jane's voice in the most unctuous, brown-nosing tone he'd heard from anyone since Middle School.

"Well, my dear, how's our birthday girl doing?"

"All right. What's up Jane? What scheme have you got going on?" Suspicion oozed out in the tone of her voice.

"Lisbon, I'm shocked you suspect me of ulterior motives."

"I always suspect you of ulterior motives. But you know what, if you won't tell, fine. Screw it." She stopped at the front desk to chat with the security guards.

Rigsby had gotten the beast to the door of the closet, but it stopped. He opened the door, but it refused to be led inside. So he went behind the pony and began to push it just as Grace Van Pelt came into view.

"Rigs, don't do that. The pony could rear back and kick. I've seen 'em do that."

"But Lisbon's gonna walk by here any minute. I've got to get him in the closet."

"It's Jane's idea. Why isn't he the one leading the pony around?"

Grace's words hit him like a thunderbolt.

_I've been played by Patrick Jane! Agggggh._

"Regardless, I've got to get this thing in there before Lisbon comes around the corner." Rigsby pushed the pony as its rear end shifted back and forth.

"Look out, Wayne."

Grace must have seen the tell-tale signs that the pony was fed up because in a lightning fast move both rear feet raised in the air in a punching motion. The two hooves passed one on each side of Rigsby's head to connect with the wall behind him.

Thud! Crack!

Rigsby glanced behind him to see two parallel holes in the wall. Incensed and disregarding any peril to himself, he pushed on the pony once more – only to stumble as the beast ambled into the closet on its own. Before it came to its senses, he slammed the door shut.

Rigsby smiled the smile of triumph at Grace just as he heard Lisbon's steps coming around the corner. Grace pointed to the twin holes in the wall and leaned against one to cover it up. She pulled Rigsby over to lean against the other one.

"Ah. Rigsby, Van Pelt. Taking a break?"

"Yes, Boss. We're just hanging out." Van Pelt acted nonchalant.

"Don't hang out too long. That stack of cases isn't gonna make itself disappear."

"Right, Boss. We'll be back on it."

Thump! Bump! The pony was getting restless inside the closet.

"What's that noise? Sounds like something's in the janitor's closet."

"Uh, no, Boss. I think that's the water pipes. You know how the plumbing in these old buildings is." Rigsby tried to laugh, but what came out of his mouth was closer to a squeal of anguish.

Thump! Bump!

Lisbon crossed her arms as she looked at Rigsby and Van Pelt.

"Yeah, right. First Jane. Now you two. Screw it!"

Lisbon turned away from the pair to slip into the elevator before its door closed. Jane walked around the corner as Rigsby and Van Pelt moved away from the wall.

"You know, Rigsby, you're gonna have to call somebody to get that wall fixed."

"Me? You're the one who…"

Jane waved his hand.

"I'd like to talk, Wayne, but I gotta catch Lisbon before she goes to her meeting. Bring the pony up to our floor and hold it until Lisbon is away from her office. Then bring it in there. I got a big bow to put on her door."

Jane bounded to the door of the stairwell and disappeared.

"How are we supposed to get this creature in an elevator, Van Pelt?"

"We? Sorry, Rigs. I sympathize but this is _your_ problem. See ya upstairs. Oh, by the way, you've gotta be ready for road apples."

"What?"

Van Pelt laughed.

"I'm sure you'll find out."

Van Pelt moved into the elevator.

Opening the closet door, Rigsby found every mop, bucket, and broom scattered across the floor.

"Bruuuuuuuuuufffff."

"Oh, shut up and come along, Seabiscuit." Rigsby tugged the reins to get the pony back into the narrow hallway.

Walking over to the elevators, he pushed the Up button just as the doors opened – to reveal Alex and Janet from Bank Fraud. The two of them looked at the pony, looked at Rigsby, looked at each other, and started laughing.

"What?" Rigsby was getting steamed.

"Rigs, if I'd known you were that hard up for a date, I've got a cousin who works over in the DMV office," said Janet.

"Yeah, I went out with her once, and she's no prize, but she sure looks better than the gal you're squiring around right now." Alex winced when Janet slapped his arm.

Rigsby waved them aside and led the pony into the elevator.

The ride up was the least stressful time he'd experienced, and it raised his hopes that the beast would behave upstairs.

Once out of the elevator, Rigsby led the pony into the bullpen to find Van Pelt with a wicked grin plastered across her face and Cho's gaze directed down to the book he was reading. Feeling momentum, he led the pony across the floor until it got parallel to Cho's desk. Then it froze. Rigsby pulled the reins. The pony snorted and remained still. Rigsby pulled again. The pony shook its head, tugging back at Rigsby.

"Get this smelly ass away from me." Cho never looked up from his book.

"It's a pony."

"I know. But it's got an ass on the end of it that's six inches from my face. Move it!"

"I'm trying, Cho, I'm trying."

"Rigsby, you do know that there's a difference between playing the ponies and playing _with_ the ponies, don't you? And you know I've got my Glock in the desk drawer."

Van Pelt's laughter wasn't helping matters any.

"I know, I know. The damned thing is stuck. It won't…"

What Rigsby saw next turned his stomach. Mainly because there was nothing he could do but watch.

The pony's tail had been twitching back and forth. As if on cue, the twitch became one huge swish, and the whole pony tail draped over Cho's head. Strands of tail hair matted with mud and who knows what else hung over his face. In silence, Cho put down his book, opened his desk drawer, and reached inside.

"All right, all right, all right. Calm down, Cho. We're moving along."

At last the beast moved forward again, and Rigsby heard Cho's desk drawer slam shut amid a string of curses. In all the years Rigsby had worked with him, he'd never heard so many continuous words – or profanities – come from his partner's mouth.

Once he hitched the pony to Lisbon's desk inside her office, Rigsby breathed a sigh of relief. The rest of the gag went just as Jane had planned it, and needless to say Jane once again basked in Lisbon's good graces.

Rigsby settled back behind his desk only to find Jane standing in front of him.

"What?"

"The pony needs to be back at the stable by 5:30."

"So?"

"So…you need to get cracking, Wayne."

"Me?"

"Well, isn't it obvious?" Jane was moving away from the bullpen now. "You've established a rapport with the animal. I can tell you two connect on a deeper level. You're a regular horse whisperer, Wayne. See ya tomorrow." With a wave Jane slipped into the stairwell.

Rigsby looked up to see the pony standing in front of him, it's head shaking back and forth to move its halter around. He sighed.

"Come on, Seabiscuit. Let's go."

The two of them walked over to the elevator without mishap, raising Rigsby's hopes that he had indeed become a horse whisperer. The elevator door opened to reveal Van Pelt carrying an armload of case files. She stepped out as they stepped in. Suddenly she pointed at the pony.

"Wayne! Careful! Do you have a bucket and scoop with you?"

Before he could react, Rigsby saw the pony raise its tail at a sharp angle as its hips shifted.

Plop-plop-plop.

A sickening odor filled the cabin of the elevator. Standing just outside, Van Pelt held her nose as she giggled.

"Now you know what road apples are. Have fun, Wayne!" Rigsby was glad to see the doors close on the sight of Van Pelt with that manic grin on her face. As the cabin rocked back and forth between floors, the pony shifted its body, pushing him against the side wall then tugging him back to the center of the space – and his new dress shoes into the steaming pile of road apples.

"Agggggggggggh!" Rigsby cried out.

The elevator door opened on the bottom floor to reveal Alex waiting to get on. He looked from the pony to Rigsby's grimaced face down to his manure-caked shoes.

"Wayne, I was serious a while ago. I couldn't stand Janet's cousin that one time I went out on a date with her, but she never _ever_ did that to me."

* * *

Author's notes: Thank you for reading the story, and I look forward to hearing from you.


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